Over the last year or so I’ve been working to consciously connect with my heart and open it to the possibility of the miraculous. I have found an incredible amount of forgiveness with my father and step-father both around the end of 2017, so what I was wanting in 2018 was to get deeper spiritually — I had seen a miracle of forgiveness, and I wanted to continue to cultivate spiritual proximity.
I have been “noodling over” the concept of “expectancy” as my coach has taught, and I think I understand it now.
There are a few factors that I had to consider first… I’ve heard it said before that once an individual commits themselves to God/Spirit/Universe, that there was a level of love prior to the commitment, however after making the commitment then the love is exponentially bigger. Additionally, this morning I was listening to a sermon in which the pastor discussed having heart-readiness in order for miracles to occur; that the heart has to be ready before any plan will ever work correctly. Also in our January session, it was asked whether or not we “believe God is who he says he is…” which admittedly I had not quite.
When we first had our initial consultation when I was turning 30, my coach challenged me to consider the relationships that I had with specific family members which were intensely painful. Four people came to mind: my father, my step sisters, and my step dad. I left that consultation thinking that the way in which I relate to people had thus far perpetuated the pain, and that in my 30s I wanted very much to cultivate feelings of love. I decided that I would be open to the idea that these relationships were painful, that I was not ready at that time to do anything specific, but I was ready to consider that things could be done differently.
Just opening that sliver of possibility led to a series of miracles which were entirely out of my control.
First I had to be open to the idea that things could be different with the relationship with my sisters. In the weeks thereafter, my sisters had made a very public declaration of their intention to no longer associate with me or my family. At first I didn’t understand how this could possibly be alleviating any of the pain, though in the sharpness and overtness of speaking their desires, I found immense relief. No longer did I had to continue to cultivate and try to restore time and time again a loving relationship… it was loving enough to respect their wishes and let go. As backward as it was to consider, and as painful for my family’s loss, it was a clean break that allowed me to let go of the questioning and suspicions of not being loved by them.
Second, I had to get laid off in an incredibly dramatic way, in order for my job to send me to Colorado, which just happened to be the same place my father had been living and I had been obstinately avoiding. Though the years prior I had been trying to work on forgiveness, I was selfishly entertaining his company. I felt obligated to visit him during my stay in Denver. I was filled with resentment the first week in Colorado – resentful with my job, and resentful with my father. As is common on road trips, I felt inspired and in awe by the magnitude of the Rocky Mountains, and by the time I had reached his home I was at least moderately more open to his company. On the day of my return home, I opened my mouth to say goodbye but my voice was completely co-opted and the words “please forgive me for being so angry” spilled out of my mouth involuntarily. I didn’t plan on asking for forgiveness, believing I had been justified in my victim position for thirty years, yet it happened and I felt so light. It felt right to ask his forgiveness in the part that I had played in the collective pain in the relationship.
The third thing that happened was at Christmas time, my brother, mother, and step-dad and I were sitting around the tree opening presents, when my step-dad said very straightforwardly that he was completely surprised that it would just be us with him on this occasion, and that despite the incredible amounts of family turmoil between us over the years, that we chose to be with him and chose to love him no matter what. He had always taught me growing up that a relationship is something that two people choose, and we had continued to choose him even when his blood relations did not. For the first time I felt validated by him; that my continued efforts of proving myself to him had been unseen for all these years and now there was an immeasurable light being shone down upon us four at Christmas. All of us were in tears and held each other tightly – definitely the most Christmassy feeling I have ever felt.
This morning the pastor’s message about the heart needing to be ready before any action will unfold correctly, it really sunk in. I had experienced three miracles (among the many I am now realizing) in such profound ways which brought me to today. The nature of the miracle is to be open to receiving them, the miracle can be open to being forgiving, being open to loving, being open to redefine what was previously though unattainable. I had been paying lip-service to the power of the almighty, but naïvely understanding it/him — The nature of him/it, is to be miraculous.
My coached posed a question this year “Do you believe God is who He says He is?” as a means of understanding “expectancy.” I get it now. And Yes. I have seen it work. I see the blessings all day around me and the people I am around. Whether they see them as a miracle, I understand and I am reinforced in my belief. I expect to see miracles now because I know that is the nature of the Spirit. I expect that through love, love will be returned. I expect that if I show up and do my absolute best, that MY plan might not happen, but a BIGGER PLAN will… it is the nature of the universe that what is sent out will return in-kind: Like begets like, love begets love, forgiveness given is forgiveness received. This is the law of “nature” and it WILL work because it must. In this regard, expecting is not to be feared nor is it of the ego.
What a year… What a sweet, graceful, and immensely restorative year. Thank you all very deeply for shining your collective lights and being the messengers for those through whom God/Sprit/Universe’s work is being done.